Jolyn. 8th july 93. That isn't my expiry date; I'm inedible- sadly. You can call me Jol, but never Jo.
Extremely stubborn, and at some point of time, will probably piss you off real bad because of this.
Realist that dreams. Thinks to the extent that thoughts become a black and white rainbow or a shell-less snail that isn't a slug.
Climbs, bikes, writes and runs. Christian. I pray.
Studies Vet entry at Murdoch University. Singaporean, lives in Perth.
I blog because when you blog, you have to try to put thoughts that can't be put into words,
into words, to help people understand and this process helps me figure stuff out. I like words. I like irony. Freedom, at all costs.
I want to swim with a whale shark, run with a cheetah and fly the skies of the peregreine falcons before I die, and
I want to die with my eyes closed and heart open. TALK/COMMENT/ASK
Blogger has been giving me a lot of problems lately. From being unable to post pictures to ultimately being unable to post at all! I just spent 2 hours trying to post this. So I'm bundling up my 6 years worth of writing and as of today, Whentheworldcollides.Blogspot.com will be shifted to Jolynvincible.wordpress.com.
I will miss my falling bread and sheep at the side of this blog and I've grown attached to this nonsensical URL that makes absolutely no sense (that 12 year old me came up with). But such are life's first-world problems. I'll probably lose like half my readers but I do hope you guys remember to re-link and whatnot. (:
Had both theory and practical exams for animal body systems today. Theory was pretty easy, finished with an hour and a half to spare (people started walking out after the first hour) and practical was. Well. Let's just say I poked about the open piggies and birdies and froggies and couldn't identify what I was poking. I hope my theory result will pull up my overall grade.
To all those having their exams or about to have their exams, all the bet and try not to freak out. It's only year 1. It'll only get harder(;
My eye is swollen due to lack of sleep but hope this entertains you for the few seconds it did me.
Sunday, June 03, 2012 x 9:49 AM
12Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. 13Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. 14Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. 15And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.
(Colossians 3:12-15 NLT)
I'm sorry for the hurtful things I've said.
Just because you've hurt me doesn't mean I'm allowed to abuse you too.
All the things I think about that I could never tell you every time you
ask me what I'm thinking about and I tell you "Nothing, really,
Saturday, June 02, 2012 x 11:00 PM
7 August 2011 2.45am
It’s not fair.
What you do to me, and how you make me feel. Like I’m at the top of the world. You’re cold coffee in the morning; the way the sun breaks through the clouds so you can see distinct rays. You’re solitude and companionship, familiar warmth yet electric astoundment. And being with you is like falling backwards into the ocean, into the strange muted asylum of the underwater, but for the colours, low decibel emanations and transient current.
And you’re my perfection; treasured more than my pride and feared more than the inevitable. You slay the cynic in me. It’s not fair, everything’s so perfect and you’re so brilliant and you make me touch the clouds.
You’ve given me so much, taught me so much, and brought me to see the everyday miracles of stare gazing and dolphins in the river, to places I had never yet been, and because of that, you’ll be taking so much from me, more than you’ll ever give. Because when you leave, no one will be able to compare, and you’re taking that away from me. It’s paradoxical, I’m sorry I speak like that and I analyze so much. I leave when I get hurt, and you, you would never hurt me, you could never, and because of that, you will.
I have been reading old posts from last year. Mahatma Gandhi once said: "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."
I guess I've run out of fuel. I don't feel very strong, currently. You know, I never used to be so grudging, so bitter. I never used to be cynical to such an extent. And I can't forgive you. I will always come back to it, never a day goes by that I don't think about what you've done. And no matter how far I run to put it behind me, it comes back and puts a knife through my gut. I will never be able to stop.
Because its not just about having done a bad thing. But because you've taken who I was away from me and replaced it with what I am today, and I hate what I currently am. Because I know full well that I could've gone my whole life without having done what you did or having that be done to me.
And you know what kills me the most? That I'd never be able to write like that, about you, again. You loved this piece that I wrote, but you couldn't see how much I meant it. I genuinely believed you would never hurt me. I believed with all my heart, all the things I wrote about. And you put a knife through my words. And now they mock me. "How naive you were." I fear I'll never feel the way I did last year again, with you. I'm worried if I stay with you, I'll never feel that again, ever. We'll never be those people in the pictures on my wall again. We'll never be as close or as connected or as loving. Sometimes I don't know why we're still together. I could spare you the abuse. I could spare myself the abuse. You say it's because of love. But that's the thing. It's the kind of love that forces me to stick around. But it isn't love that's unconditional, or doubtless or trusting. It's a fearful love. Every time I'm away, I wonder which girl you're currently doing. I love you, but I don't believe you did, too, and I don't think I could ever love you like I did, again. I don't know if I'll ever again be able to let any guy in the way I did. I think I'm losing my mind: I feel so alone. I'm going home after the exams. I wonder if it'd be easier if never had to come back. Sometimes it feels like there's nothing for me in this town anymore.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012 x 1:08 AM
I know we're all thinking "Is he naked?". And no, he isn't. Can we take a moment to not debate over Guillaume Cote's sexuality, but rather once again be reminded of the beauty the human form can take on. And be reminded that the fruits of perfection come from hard work and discipline; a love for your talent, and most importantly, an undying passion to strive. I watched this video thrice or so. I don't have a single bone in me that can, or want to dance, but I just really like watching people do it. I think I'd like to let my kid try gymnastics in future, or ballet- even though I've never had any personal interest in the 'girly things'. I think I'd like to expose my child to a wide variety of sports and crafts, and hopefully, they fall in love with something, and have the goodwill to practise it from a young age. I always wished I had started something when I was younger, but the truth is, my parents had given me lessons, both academic and non-academic in everything I've asked for and hated. They enrolled us to abacus, piano (Yes, asian stereotype), bowling, soccer, swimming, even asked if I wanted to try rugby. And really, I always went into something and strived for a while and then lost interested and quit. I think I had been given opportunities, I just never had the discipline nor will to carry them till fruits were reaped. Nonetheless though, I wish I had been talented as a child.
Saturday, May 26, 2012 x 10:17 PM
Yesterday morning was the coldest May (Autumn) morning in 98 years as the temperature plummeted to 1.8 degrees just after 7am. And there I was, clueless, walking about at 7.30am in shorts and my t-shirt wondering why it was colder than usual It really is quite cool, that only after Bob texted me to wear jeans that I started actually thinking and feeling really cold. Most of the time, our brain is a huge factor of how bad things are. Regardless, my nose has been bleeding the entire week, and my asthma's kicked in but I've lost my inhaler (How sexy, right). I can't wait to get back to my tropical island.
I keep feeling like I've heard this song when I was really young, but like many other familiar childhood songs, never found out what the title was and couldn't look for it. But then I just found out this was released only in 2011. Feeling very deja vu-ish now.
Our exams are about a week from now and I don't feel the least bit confident or in control, everyone just tells me "You're very smart Jolyn, you'll worry ceaselessly and then ace it" and whilst that may be annoying, I think I can only do well if I worry endlessly about it. I don't quite think I'll really just fail my units, it's only year 1 and sem 1, but I think that will change very soon, failing out of uni- or well, vet, is quite a heard of thing, and the more I hear the stories, the more afraid I get.
I haven't really been doing very well. Lots of things have been happening at home, and I'm worried, and frightened and I'm sad. For one thing, I just recently found out my grandfather has lung cancer and it's stage 4. They're going to put him through 30 rounds of chemo, but they say he probably won't make it. Mom tries to pretend she's fine all the time, but I can't believe she isn't hurting. And I can't do anything about it. While I have never been very close to my grandad, it's really, well, a hopeless feeling, to just one day realize the people around you can die just like that. And my mom used to always tell me regarding my dad's heavy smoking habit: "Look at Ah Kong. He smoke so much but still so healthy at his age, still can walk." and not to worry about my father. But now I'm just so certain it's really going to hurt my dad's health even more than it probably already has. Mostly though, I worry about my mom. I hope she really is fine, and is coping. The stress must be pretty overwhelming with grandpa in this state and everything else. She refuses to go into detail or even 'disturb' me because she wants me to concentrate on my exams. My mom always was the strongest woman I've known. But it's not working, the foremost thing on my mind is my family, and I will continue to pray and worry endlessly about them.
When I was about 13 or so, I made a vow never to smoke, not even one breath. Amd sometimes though, I want to, you know, try. Like everyone else, I don't think I'll enjoy it or get into it, but I want to try because I want to experience things before I die. But my reason had always been clear. Since I learnt about emphysema or cancer, I have always been terrified my dad will die from one of these diseases. Evil as it may sound, I am convinced he will if he doesn't stop, because when he gets stressed he goes up to a pack a day. And it's terrified me both as a kid and a teenager, I got nightmares of my dad dying, sometimes I just like thinking about what it would be like just because it could happen. And whilst the chances of getting hit by a car may be equal, it still is a personal choice. You could still make a choice not to. His reason had always been "It's my life, I'm old, I want to enjoy it." That's the thing though, I never want to put my kid through this, and I don't want to live my life solely for myself. My dad's life affects ours too: his wife; his children; his friends. It applies to everything, I always thought I would marry a guy who had ideals after mine, and I never wanted him to feel the way I did, so I stayed virgin. I want to be able to support my family, both the one I now have, and will have, financially, so I will be serious about school. They are all the same things.
You realize though, that when you start living with other people's interests at heart, you benefit yourself too. You learn to respect yourself and you get to good places, you get given good opportunities. You don't regret many things, and you don't hurt people as much. I just feel like it puts you in the right track.
I wish people lived more for other peoeple: to love people we take forgranted, and to start loving the people we have even yet to meet.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012 x 1:46 AM
This is my cousin and oldest bestfriend. Her name is Angel. We used to live together, untill we were about 3 or so. I used to mispell her name as 'Angle'. That always made her quite mad at me. We've been through pretty much every thing together, though there have been stretched where we were both absorbed in our own lives. When we were in kindergarten, along with the boys, we had a secret clubhouse in the attic of our grandmother's shophouse. We used to all climb onto the roof and watch the cars. A row of kids, on the edge of a tiled roof. It truly was a sight to behold. There was a spiral-staircase from the back of the shophouse leading down into the kitchen and terracota vegetable garden of our uncle's restaurant. We kids were forbidden to use those stairs because they were metal and slippery and could kill us if we fell. We used to be very enteprising. We would photocopy coloured christmas cards and sell them at 50cents each to the relatives. Of course, everyone was merely entertaning us, but we felt so successful, like we were geniuses. $10 meant so much money. We once made pancakes using nothing but starch, flour, sugar and water. We fed it to the guys. They all suffered from food poisoining the next day.
I like reminiscing about our childhood. Along with our brothers and Royvin, it was a very enjoyable, innocent and adventurous one.
If you think Angel is pretty, well, she has a blog. Just sayin'.(:
It’s raining today, the blinds are shut.
It’s always the same.
I tried all the games that they play, but they made me insane.
Life on TV it’s random, it means nothing to me.
I’m writing down what I cannot see; wanna wake up in a dream.
Trains in the sky are travelling through fragments of time.
They’re taking me to parts of my mind that no one can find.
I’m ready to fall. I’m ready to crawl on my kness to know it all.
I’m ready to heal. I’m ready to feel.