Everything's wrong and I'm not strong.

Nothing's the matter. My life is perfect. I have an ATAR of above 98, I'm going to do the course I've dreamt of, I'm going to travel, my boyfriend is coming to Singapore and my mom does not vehemently disapprove of him being white. I have everything I want. I don't know why I still feel so heavy. It sounds really conceited. Really ungracious. As if I'm never happy; never placated. As if I always want more than I can have. But it's not unrest of that kind. It's just the kind make you cry when you have no reason to cry. A heaviness of the heart, a darkness of the soul. Perhaps it's because I feel really far from God. But I think everyone has these bouts of terror and unexplainable sadness. The kind that drags you down like an anchor tied around your ankles to the darkest depths of the sea. Or perhaps, for my own sake, I'd like to think it's normal and that everyone has them. The worst thing about it is that you can't talk about it, because there's no reason, nothing has happened, and you just feel a surge of utter despondency. And the only thing you can think to do is to curl up into a ball and cry it out and then not bother to make sense of it at all. Because I've tried. But it truly is unexplainable. It's as if you have to make penance for being too happy. As if sorrow were an essential part of your week and you must, regardless of whether you want to, feel it. And no one ever knows. I think everyone's mad. Or everyone has some madness within them. Some people just hide it better than others. And me, I'm just really good at it. But I do wish that sometimes you were able to see through me, because I don't really want you to go. But think about it. If I- a declared sane person- go to a psychiatrist and tell him all these things that I feel and go through, that sometimes I get so afraid of nothing I can't even leave my bed. He's going to diagnose me. No psychiatrist can ever turn someone away- no one's gonna reply you with "Oh no, I'm sure it's all in your imagination, you're fine. Be on your way now." I'm not denying the significance or legitimacy of mental illnesses. I just think everyone is mad in a certain sort of way, it's just whether they hide it or not.

And me, I think I've lost my mind because absolutely nothing brings me joy anymore.
Everything is an act.

`jol