I recieved an offer from Murdoch University for vet science on monday. I was less excited than I think I should have been. Alvern's incredulous about my lack of celebration. But I suppose it's just really sunk in that yes, I am on my way to becoming a vet surgeon, yes I am thankful, and yes I do realize there're many other people that would give anything to have this chance. And it's just really sunk in that this is it. I have 6 years of hardcore mugging to do, and fees of $300,000 to pay. I keep making excuses to myself. "It's okay, you can't afford to take a gap year- it's already a 6 year course. You can travel after you graduate." But freedom is funny. Freedom is materialistic and bound under the strains of money, time and circumstance. In 6 years time, if I do pass, I will join the first practice that will take me in and work my way up. To travel the world, are you mad? You'd forget everything you've studied for. Then I will get married and have kids and lead a stable, normalistic life. And there is nothing wrong with the norm, so long as you want the norm. And I do want all that, but I want more. And the knowledge of knowing that I know fully well I am lying to myself to fuel ambition with procrastinated dreams makes me sad. I'd like to be idealistic for once. Realists are always bitter dreamers.

I recieved an email saying "Hi, you still haven't replied. You should do it soon or your place might be offered in the second intake." before I recieved the email that said "Congratulations! You have been accepted.." And all these on the 19th on December. Then they told us that the deadline was 2nd January. Then they told us that they were closed from the 23rd to the 5th of January. Hoorah, I had 4 days to try to sort out everything. And it may seem easy, sign the form, make the payment, scan it to them and you're done. However, there were complications. My passport had to be renewed, changing my passport number and because of that, my visa is now void. And without a visa, you can't process anything. I was only able to collect the new passport today, so effectively, I had this afternoon to try to settle everything. But that's not all, my mom had to work, so she had to use her lunch- a mere 2 hours. There were complications with the health cover, and my parents could only get the money on the 2nd of jan from the sale of the Orchard apartment, so we had to get a bankdraft under a family friend's name. And all thse things are overwhelming and I'm tired.

I'm tired of my dad not giving a cent's worth of care to anything, and of my mom's incessant cries for me to grow up. You're 18 now girl. You have to learn to do these things. You should take responsibility. And she's right, I should. But I'm trying. I mean up till this year, I hadn't needed to touch anything. From passports to insurance to school fees, everything was done for me. And I'm trying to learn, to do the paperwork, to take initiative, and I think I have grown, have started doing many things on my own. But things such as bankdrafts and buying property and cancelling and replacing visas I have yet to learn and have no idea about. And then mom would shout at me and ask why I don't know how to do these things. And I don't know because I have never done them before. And I'm tired and I'm trying and I don't want to be here.

There is a quiet comfort about being alone there, you know what is expected of you, you study hard, you rest, you work. And there is a routine. Wake up, read the bible, eat cereal. Once a month pay the rent, every few weeks, go grocery shopping. And I think maybe I left because I couldn't take living here anymore. I love Singapore, the buzz, the fast pace. But maybe I loved being so busy, being out all the time because I didn't like being home. And it's worse now- claustrophobic in this new small house that has no corners for me to hide in. I miss my room and my privacy, the shiny marble floors so finely polished you can see your reflection, the chandeliers and expenses of grass back, side and front yards that moated the house. The forrest, river and reservoir. I miss my privacy and I miss the things that moulded me. I hate who I am now, I hate my environment. Seletar hills estate, a rich pretentious estate that calls for glass everywhere to show off one's wealth. I miss being wealthy, spoilt as that sounds. I miss feeling safe.

I'm tired and I'm trying and I'm broken and I don't want to be here.
In this house I'll pat my own back. Congratulations, Jolyn.

`jol