Greetings from Phnom Penh. I really wish I were writing because I couldn't contain my unmistakable joy about being young and free. But I'm not. It's day 1 in Cambodia and I'm ready to go home. I can't clique with the boys. Or rather, this group of boys. Well, not well enough, that is. Today was a miserable day. We left Storm's place for the airport at 4am. So I haven't been sleeping the past 3 or 4 days and my right eye's taken to swelling so that it hurts when I blink and I'm really falling sick. Like your stomach rejects all the food and you just feel nauseous and tired.

The guys are currently out in some pub or bar, drinking, yet again and making jokes about sex, women or something or other that I can't find funny. And I've just asked the receptionist for the wifi password which makes me maybe ___ this much less sad. Well, writing always gets my head back so here I am.

We went to various memorials/ detention or concentration camps today to learn about the homicide during the pol pot regime, which was basically like a smaller scale Neo-Nazi thing. In asian version. And I felt all right to be happy just wiped from me. Looking upon rows and rows of photographs (Mugshots) of victims and the torture devices and the tiny cells and shackles and blood stained mats, I just lost all sense of feeling. You just become numb. To read about how one of our own species is capable of such atrocities. It sickens me that I'm human. To think we say "Be human" when we want people to show compassion. I think I really dislike people. Myself included. Just. People in general.

So this on top of the general fatigue and melancholy of the day, my impending illness and swollen eye, the guys aren't and will never be like the guys I'm so used to in singapore. They're not going to stay because you're crying or because it might be dangerous to leave a girl in a room in Cambodia alone. Like I had dreaded, it's practically party, alcohol and crude jokes galore. And I can't. I can't lower my expectations, not after having travelled with the krabbers. I suppose it's unfair because I was close to them but I suppose the general problem is their lack of being able to be gentlemanly in my perspective and my incapability to have fun and to take risks and to appreciate the minor scare of Tom losing his passport as a joke in their perspective. I can't stop being nerdy, analytical and realistic and start being cool. Or maybe it's the difference in maturity levels. I am the oldest and even a year makes a huge difference. Regardless, currently, I really want to go home. I don't want to hold Bob back from having fun with his friends, yet you feel so incredibly. Sad. Just sad and alone. And pathetic. And I'm thinking of just buying a plane ticket back because I know I can but I think that'd be too drastic a measure.

Most likely I'll sit this through, quiet or otherwise, and hope things get better, After all, things always seem more comical in hindsight. But having said all these, I think I've learnt my lesson in never again travelling with people I'm not close to, much less, know I have a huge character and interest difference in. I wish Jace were here to talk to, or I can transport myself back to a year ago where I feel safe and comfortable with the krabbers or even the team.


For tonight, I end my pity-party with this: If God let me come here, then I should be here. I hope to learn whatever lessons I'm supposed to learn and take whatever I'm supposed to take. I understand that. But my heart cries and I want to come home.

`jol

Edit: it's not even 11. The guys came back. Elliot's passed out in the bathroom, storm and tom and way out and Bob is passed out in his own urine. I've cried so much I have nothing left to cry. I want to go home. I want to buy a ticket now and fucking fly back home. I think this is really it- I think I'm to declare myself single.